I have been doing a lot of internalizing lately. I find myself doing this more and more frequently and not offering expression, and as someone who thrives on creating, it’s not really a good thing. However, it does provide for a deeper explosion of creativity when I finally let loose.
Yesterday I dropped the yarn. It’s unraveled all over the floor. Only, now that I’ve let go, I don’t want to keep knitting my thoughts into the same tapestry I was wrapping myself up in. I am wearing a straight-jacket of my own knitting. It’s time to stop purling and time to start pushing. Pushing back. Walking away. Only it’s harder than I thought.
Here are some truths I’ve discovered. Or remembered. Or, it may be that I’m only now just understanding.
- Worry leaves me nowhere with the same situation, only now I’ve created a tiger out of a kitten. Matthew 6:34
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
- Worry doesn’t need a reason for it to grow. It only needs an invitation. So tell it to get lost. Matthew 6:27
“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?”
- Do all things for His glory and petition Him for rest and you will find it. You need do nothing more than stand and be ready. Mark 13:11
“Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.”
What I’ve been worried about, which is what I have to call it because like Galum in Lord of the Rings loved that ring and wanted it for himself, I’ve not shared with others who could help me share in the burden or find release in the confession of its power over my true contentment. I’ve stroked it and adored it and listened to it, to a point that I’ve made it a ruler over me, which is a sin. In that I confess it.
What do I need? For as the birds of the fields are cared for, how so much more will we be loved and taken care of?
As a woman, that’s what I desire: to know that I’m safe. Where else is it better than in the arms of God? He is my resting place, my soft place to land. My hiding place. I’ve crawled in there as a child and now that He’s telling me to walk, I’m resisting the change and replacing it with worries of self-doubt, which slows me down in the crawl across the floor. So I picked up the yarn (lies) and started knitting myself in a tethered circle on the floor, as an act of procrastination. As an act of fear. It’s time to WALK! In Him I stand. Oh Daddy, I’m ready for that first step – and yes, Lord, I’m making it a public one as you’ve instructed.
Oh Lord, You have shown me the path You’ve set before me and I’ve journeyed with you. Please forgive me for not listening to your directions and getting lost, caught in a snare of my own making. Father God, show me the walkway, Light the Path. I will follow, only I don’t want to lag behind. Let me stay close; remind me with your gentle nudging and calling to come closer when I’m distracted or take my eyes off you. Hold my hand. I know You won’t let go.
I honestly don’t know what’s next but I come with expectancy to His throne, knowing that to walk in His will is the safest place, and the most joyful, serene place to be. Praying over my friends and family and thanking Him that I’m able to share as a source of release and confession. Also, I’m amazed as I write this all of the Bible verses that flood back to me. Try it. You will find the same release and He will hold your hand – and not let go.
“But you will cross the Jordan and settle in the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, and he will give you rest from all your enemies around you so that you will live in safety.”
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.